Saturday, February 16, 2013

Non-Ejaculation Practice For Men

After a conversation with a beautiful new friend last night I became aware of how important it is for me to share with the world my practice of non-ejaculation and the reasons I choose this practice.  This practice started when I was a teenager.  The desire to be the best lover for my partners and be able to provide as much pleasure that was available drove me to this discipline.  I remember trying to delay my ejaculation as long as I could with lovers so they were able to experience the most pleasure in our lovemaking.  I knew I needed to practice this outside partner engagement and began doing so during my self-pleasure practice as well.  I never felt I had a problem with premature ejaculation and I realize in our culture it is something men struggle with.  There are proven healthy techniques for ejaculation control which have potential for healing men that struggle with premature ejaculation.

When I first found my sexuality at a young age, I loved the feeling of my ejaculation and like most young boys got attached to my ejaculation practice and the oxytocin hit that it gave me.  Just like a drug addict gets hooked on the feeling the drug produces, I got hooked on the oxytocin hit.  I think this is natural for young people, both men and women, as they begin to explore their sexuality from the basis of a purely biological standpoint.  There is also a distinct separation between orgasm for women and for men.  Women have the potential for a wonderful experience that can lead to orgasm after orgasm, and men, on the other hand typically have the one ejaculation orgasm and then are known for falling asleep.  Of course not all women are multi-orgasmic and not all men fall asleep after orgasm, I just had to give a voice to the stories.  As I grew older, I realized that my habits around my ejaculation practice were not serving myself and my relationships anymore.  I couldn't "get it up" like I used to several times a day and wanted to experience something else in my sexual life.

As I grew up and out of my teenage years and my twenties, my relationships with lovers and my body changed.  I started to notice what it was like to carry an erotic "buzz" or "charge" in my body by not ejaculating as regularly as I did when I was younger.  In addition to the amazing energy I felt in my body, this practice was also full of discomfort and my own self created drama and I was not sure why.  The only thing I can come up with is a purely biological explanation.  As men, we are genetically programmed to spread our seed in order for the world to be populated with our first rate genes.  Going against that biological drive and programming and holding my ejaculation brought up much resistance, emotion and discomfort.  Lot's of internal dialogue telling me how different I was which had the potential of separating myself from connections and keep me in isolation.  I was not going to allow my negative self talk to dictate my desires.

I had no idea what else was out there and what I did know was that I wanted to change my relationship to my sexuality so I can experience more pleasure.  Then I had an "awakening" of sorts.  I was at a workshop and experienced what it was like to be in a highly aroused state for an extended period of time and not ejaculate.  During that time I experienced what it was like to have full body orgasms and not ejaculate.  The feeling in my body was so incredibly pleasurable and exciting to experience and I wanted to learn and experience more.  This began my journey into the realm of Joseph Kramer, The Body Electric, Sacred Intimacy, Tantra and Sexological Bodywork.  I was hungry to learn all I could with the intention of bringing my fullest self into my relationships, into my life and ultimately into the world.

Over time, the relationship I have to my ejaculation practice continues to change and morph regularly.  I have experimented with days/weeks of masturbation without ejaculation, days/weeks of partner engagement and partner sex without ejaculation and even up to 90 days of non-ejaculation.  The 90 day practice was not in attempt to be celibate, I was sexually active with myself and my partner.  At first I experienced LOTS of discomfort as my body tells me to do one thing that my mind is not in agreement with it.  I still experience this dilemma while the discomfort has lessened over time being in this practice.  What's different today is the discipline that I choose to engage in and practice in my life.  When I am in the practice of non-ejaculation I experience a fullness of presence in my life that I've not experienced before.  I am able to be highly present with people in my life in such a way that let's them know how much I care about and love them, a relentless non-distracted energy.  

What I've also noticed is that when I choose to ejaculate after a period of non-ejaculation, I've experienced a significant decrease in my energy and presence for my life.  I've been left feeling sad, depressed and with a lack of motivation.  In order to be with the possibility of these feelings I decided to develop a ritual around the conscious decision to ejaculate in order to honor myself and the amazing gift I've been given to be in my body, this discipline and being able to make the choice.

After hearing all of this, there will be some of you concerned about what you might find on the internet claiming that not ejaculating is detrimental to my health.  There has been no American Medical Association, scientific or medical studies that says it is unhealthy to be in a non-ejaculation practice.  In fact, what I've learned is that the practice of ejaculation control through breath and muscle contractions is the healthy way to go should someone choose to go that way.  However, it is not healthy to place pressure on the pelvis, genitals or anywhere on the body to control ejaculation, it must be done through conscious breathing and conscious muscle contraction/release to be a healthy practice.  As you can see in this image, the natural control technique has the highest percentage of improvement over time.

My belief is that when men get into a non-ejaculatory practice they develop more of their ability to be with what is, getting less attached to taking a "right" position, they become less goal oriented, become more present in their bodies and develop a fullness of presence to be with themselves and their relationships.  I've developed a passion to work with men develop this part of themselves through conscious work around sexuality which keeps me moving forward in my practice and my work with others.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Intimate Compassionate Communication and Shadow

Entering into intimate/sexual space with others requires an awareness in communicating our thoughts to others without shaming or blaming the other.  It also requires a compassionate effort in receiving other's communications which are directed towards us that may not be complimentary or feel good.  How we choose to express ourselves and receive feedback has an effect in how we develop intimacy in our relationships.  What happens when we communicate something to someone and it winds up hurting their feelings or even triggering an old wound in them?  What do we do when we are receiving a communication that hurts our feelings or triggers an old wound in us and winds up hurting?

One of my deepest and most intimate relationships is challenging me in all of these areas.  I get concerned that no matter how much I wordsmith my words they will be received in a way which will not be heard the way in which I intended...and it happens time and time again...I think that is only human nature and nature of language.  I have no control over how my words will be received by someone else, no matter how hard I try to put the right words together to convey my thoughts.  My heart needs to stay open when I face into a difficult communication, keep my armor down and be as vulnerable as I can in my expression.  Then what happens?  Sometimes what happens is what I'm saying triggers a defensiveness, hurt feelings or an old wound where my communication is not received as the open hearted communication in which it was intended and something else was heard in my words which I did not intend.  It's a beautiful and challenging place where conflict meets compassion.  The choice I choose to make is NOT to go into a place where I feel I must continue to get my point across, rather, to hold the other in their hurt feelings and triggered space.  For me, being able to hold others in their hurt, anger, disappointment and resistance is more important than to hammer home my point.  

Being able to sit in others' triggered or hurt feeling space after my communication not being heard the way I wanted it to triggers an old pattern that lurks in the shadows of never being heard by my family when I was a child.  This feeling of never being heard has been so ingrained in me over and over again during my formative years.  The thing is, I know the history of that wound, have sat for hours and hours in therapists offices working through that wound and yet it continues to show up time and time again, especially around the ones I love the most.  What I realized, is that by knowing this core childhood wound I can choose to respond from a compassionate and powerful place instead of going into a place of defense or blame scenario.  I don't want to be responding from a wounded place and understanding the pattern and history helps me make the choice to stay in the relational with others even when I'm not being heard in the moment and being triggered by it.  I want to take full responsibility for my feelings or how I got to those feelings in the moment, so I do not default to the lowest common denominator of myself.

I am a person who loves to explore the shadows of my inner psyche and continue to find a great deal of personal awareness in doing so.  It has opened up an intuitive side of me which allows me to see inside someones possible shadows which keeps them stuck in their lives.  I'm working with my own self worth, shame and guilt shadows in my own life and have been willing to take INSPIRED ACTION in order to move through them by recognizing where these issues have come from and what I have to do to not react from those wounded places.  When I work with people, whether it's in my personal life or my professional life, I always encourage them to do their own shadow work to make the changes they want to see in their lives.

The question I am sitting with is this...Does the understanding of our core wounding help us understand and deal with the feelings that come up in the moment so we can respond from compassion and not an angry or defensive place?  Or, does understanding our core wounding not matter as long as we can make the choice to respond from compassion and not our hurt feelings?

My current belief is that by understanding and accepting these childhood core wounds we can respond from our adult compassionate side and not from our defensive childhood shadows that keep us out of the relational process which we desire more than anything in our lives.

I Want To Hear What You Have Got To Say by The Subways on Grooveshark